Why do we sometimes find ourselves in relationships with partners that aren’t right? Everybody wants to find joy and love. Being trapped in a relationship that is hurtful or harmful isn’t good for your health. The right partner can bring so much joy into your life, but how do you avoid those hurtful and harmful relationships? My guest today is an expert on this topic.
Iris Benrubi is a psychotherapist and marriage counsellor. She is also a dating and relationship expert who has spent the last 20 years coaching and counseling men, women, and couples on how to find true love. She is also the author of Lonely & Single to Loved & Adored. On today’s show, Iris shares her journey, her dating expertise, and tips from her book.
- [03:16] This is Iris’s fourth career. She was a psychotherapist and marriage counselor for many years. When her 18 year marriage ended in divorce, she had an identity crisis and had to do a lot of soul searching.
- [04:26] A couple years later, she entered the wild west of dating. She realized she had to own that she couldn’t see her own blind spots.
- [04:53] For the last few years, Iris has been teaching women how to find and maintain the relationship of a lifetime, they don’t have to go through what she went through.
- [05:33] Her book and programs look at three components. The first one is finding who are you and how do you show up? Women often compromise to make relationships work and come from a place of fear.
- [06:15] Once we know our own value we start to look for someone different. Women need to be clear on what they are looking for.
- [07:40] We have a blueprint that we are born into from our families. Babies are a blank canvas, but what gets imprinted on us is how relationships work.
- [08:04] We get an identity, and we also look at how our parents interact. Even though we may not like it, this relationship blueprint is imprinted on us.
- [08:43] It takes work, but you can shift your relationship blueprint.
- [11:53] We pick our partners based on the wounds we have from childhood. If we pick a partner who is conscious, we both get to heal from those wounds, and create a happy and safe relationship.
- [12:22] Ask what the shift is that you need to make to be attracted to a better kind of partner.
- [13:20] Go for 80% and work to grow the rest.
- [14:30] If you cut people out for tiny little things, it may be because you have a fear of intimacy and getting your heartbroken.
- [15:29] When there is safety and you can feel what you feel, you can then negotiate and reach a compromise.
- [16:08] We either do exactly what our parents did or the exact opposite.
- [19:00] What we don’t see and challenge is our blind spot.
- [20:43] You don’t have to agree with what people are saying, they just want to be heard and acknowledged for what they are feeling.
- [21:46] Relationships are about how safe do I feel with you. The more we can allow someone to be who they are, the more space there is for them to want to be with you.
- [23:34] One thing Iris learned was that it was difficult for her to express what she needs.
- [27:16] Make sure you get into relationships that are in alignment with your values.
- [28:49] The first six months is the honeymoon stage. After this, we start to see reality. How do the two of you show up when there is conflict.
- [30:52] People often think dating is a numbers game, and that’s a recipe for exhaustion. You need to know how to screen potential partners.
- [31:32] You need to write a profile that attracts the kind of people that you are looking for, and you need to know how to screen and sort potential dates.
- [32:01] Women need to be the buyer not the seller.
- [32:51] Online dating becomes fun when you start picking people who are fun for you.
- [34:57] Am I having fun? Do I feel safe? Am I happy?
- [35:57] It’s about the quality of time that you spend together.
- [38:09] Iris’s clients keep her going. Helping people excites her.
- [39:15] Be introspective and responsible for yourself. This is where you get to create inner peace. Invest in yourself and get the skills you need to upgrade yourself.
Links and Resources:
Watch the interview here.